Titus Under Fire
by Carpe Diem
Summary: Christopher drag races for a commercial timeslot. Please read and review!


"Inside Christopher's black and white room"  
"============end of scene=============="  
"-=-=-=-=-=-=Flashbacks-=-=-=-=-=-=-"  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in "Titus". Fox does....  
  
::Titus Turns on the light::  
Christopher: I love TV, It helps you forget your problems for a while, also it can help you score with your date. ::Christopher raises an eyebrow:: Or with my dad, it can help screw it up.  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=  
::A younger Ken Titus and a date start to settle in on the couch. Ken then picks up the remote.::  
  
Ken: Here is something you might enjoy.  
  
::Ken then presses play on the remote and a porno pops up on the screen. The girl gasps, slaps Ken and runs out the front door.::  
  
Ken: What? I thought this was your style!  
-=-=-=-=-=-=End Of Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=  
Christopher: I can honestly say that my family are the Kings of Television. About 2 years ago we recieved a plaque from FOX that they only give to families that have been on "Cops" at least 100 times.  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=  
::Officer Steve talking to the Police Chief on the cb radio while he tries to break up the Titus family as they have a rumble in the front yard.::  
  
Officer Steve: Yeah Chief, we have a domestic disturbance here. The suspects name are Juanita and Ken Titus.  
  
Police Chief: Oh God! Son, do you remember what I told you?! I told all the precincts that if they have a situtation at this address to call me BEFORE YOU TAKE ACTION!.  
  
Officer Steve: I'm sorry sir!  
  
Police Chief: You should be! Your lucky your not dead yet.   
  
Officer Steve: OH MY GOD THEIR COMING THIS WAY! TELL MY WIFE I LOVE...::Static::  
-=-=-=-=-=-=End Of Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
Christopher: Even though we have this plaque, life is still one big challenge for me. After your Hot Rod Shop tanks and you have to work at a crappy auto parts store things arent that bad. Is it me or is my nose bigger? Anyway, I've decided to try at getting my Hot Rod Shop back by getting a commercial for Titus High Performance with the 1000$ I won at that business baseball game. (See "The Game").  
=============================================  
  
::Christopher, Dave, and Tommy are siscussing what their commercial will be about.::  
  
Christopher: Our commericial should be short and straight to the point.  
  
Dave: I think it should have fire and asian women!  
  
Christopher: Dave, were filming a hot rod commercial not a an action porno.  
  
Dave: People love pornos!  
  
Tommy: Dave, just be quiet.  
  
Dave: No Tommy. Your just mad because were not filming a porno where the two guys get stuck on an elevator and that one guy says "Hey you wanna..."  
  
Christopher: Shut up!!  
  
Tommy: For the last time I am not gay!  
  
::Dave starts to mock Tommy::  
  
Christopher: Dave, Stop it!!  
  
Tommy: Yeah Dave! You can just Suck it!  
  
::Christopher and Dave both look at Tommy::  
  
Tommy:....What? I saw it on TV.  
  
Dave: Yeah, probably from that porn I was talking about.  
  
Christopher: Ya know Dave, how would you know about this porn movie unless you watched it yourself?  
  
Dave: Well.... Ya See... Im A... Psychic and I can see into peoples minds...  
  
Christopher: Dave has really been acting really weird lately. For example, now that hes realized that he cant be a superhero and get superpowers, he just trys to do good deeds... Which is a hazard for EVERYTHING. ::Christopher holds up a picture of Dave:: If you see this man try to help you...RUN! RUN AWAY AND DONT LOOK BACK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
::Dave is driving along the highway in his car when on the otherside of the highway he sees a van broken down and a woman looking at the engine.::  
  
Dave: Hey, a chance for a good deed!  
  
::Dave then cuts across a lane of traffic causing someone to wreck...He drives through the grassy part seperating the two highway sections. Dave then drives through 2 lanes of traffic on the other side of the highway causing a 8 car pileup...Dave then gets out of the car next to the womans van.::  
  
Dave: Do you need any help?  
  
Woman: Yeah, the crack is blocked.  
  
Dave: I can fix it.  
  
Woman: ::After seeing what Dave had just done on the highday:: Uhh.... Maybe I should just call a tow truck.  
  
Dave: It's OK.... I work at a Hot Rod Shop.  
  
========ABOUT 30 MINUTES LATER========  
  
::Fire men are desperatly trying to put out the fireball that used to be the van::  
  
========ABOUT AN HOUR LATER========  
  
::Three police men are laughing their asses off in the interragation room with Dave::  
  
An Officer:: Ha heh heh ha ha. You mean to tell me that you actually tried to fix a cracked block with a welding torch?! HA HA HA!!!  
  
Dave: ::laughing:: Yeah, she said she'd rather call a tow truck!  
  
::Everyone starts laughing harder::  
-=-=-=-=-=-=End Of Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
::Back in the office a Secretary interrupts Christopher, Dave, and Tommy in the middle of their argument.::  
  
Secretary: Umm, excuse me? Mr. Jacobs will see you now.  
  
::The three walk into his office and sit down.::  
  
Mr. Jacobs: Well, Gentlemen I've looked through the price and its gonna cost you 900 dollars but there is a small problem.  
  
Dave: Whats that? You cant find any asian women?  
  
Christopher: For the last time, We arent filming a porno!  
  
Mr. Jabobs: oooookkkkk. Anyway the problem is that another gentleman wants the time slot and you two are basicly in the same business. This man owns a car dealership.  
  
Christopher: Who is it?  
  
Mr. Jabobs: ::Going through his papers:: Um.... Mr. Carl Bell.  
  
Christopher: Carl Bell?!  
  
::Carl Bell walks in the office wearing his 250$ leather jacket and a smirk on his face::  
  
Carl Bell: These the guys that want the time slot? ::Sees Christopher:: Wait.... Christine? Christine Titus? ::Laughs::  
  
Christopher: Well it seems like your memory has burnt out like that pretty new mustang did all those years ago. My name Is Christopher. Not Christine.  
  
Christopher: ::In a english midevil times voice:: ::THERE ARE CAPTIONS ON THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN TO TRANSLATE IT INTO CARL BELL'S TYPE OF LANGUAGE::...Come sit and I shall thee a tale "SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, ITS STORY TIME".... Once apon a time "LETS SEE, I WAS 17 SO I SUBTRACT 13 FROM 2001 AND I GET 1988!.... Christopher Titus and Carl Bell had a drag race.... "THE DUDES WERE BOTH BURNIN' SOME SERIOUS RUBBER AND THEY BOTH HAD TO SEE WHO COULD PILE THE MOST RUBBER"..... So Christopher and Carl had the race after school " THEY BOTH WENT MAX-I-MUM SPEED!!"..... Until Carl blew his tire in the middle of the race.... "OH NO! HE POPPED HIS RUBBER!...THAT DIDNT COME OUT RIGHT.".... And Carl's car crashed into a wall and caught fire. Carl got out ok. "CARL IS BURNIN' EVERYTHING!.... And CARL has vowed revenge against Christopher ever since "CARL WANTS CHRISTOPHER....THAT DIDNT COME OUT RIGHT EITHER". ::Christopher gets a weird look on his face after reading that last sentence::  
  
Carl Bell: Well I'll tell ya one thing that aint burning out... My bank account! Ha!  
  
Christopher: Oh wow, Im so proud of you... You can complete a sentence.  
  
Carl Bell: You bet your ass you are! Wait... ::Gets weird look on his face::  
  
Christopher: Jacobs, who will get the time slot?  
  
Mr. Jacobs: Well the only way to find out is that I'll have to look at both companys' sales records and see who has done the best business for his company.  
  
Christopher: Oh no! My Hot Rod Shop tanked! That means unless.....Heh heh heh heh heh..... I've got an idea........... Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh....Heh Heh Heh Heh...... ::The cameraman shows Christopher his watch:: So what?! I dont give a crap what time it is.... Oh wait.... I get it now..... Heh Heh Heh He He heh Heh Heh..... ::The Cameraman cuts Christopher off.::  
  
Christopher: I've got a better idea.... Carl, I challenge you to a dragrace for the timeslot.  
  
Carl: You challenge me? Carl Bell for the timeslot?  
  
Christopher: No, I challenge your wife for a few rounds in bed. OF COURSE YOU!!  
  
Carl: Hey! Dont ever talk about my wife like that again! Do I even have a wife? Ah, Its not important..... Christopher.....I accept.  
  
Christopher: Your going down ass clown.  
  
Christopher: Now the challenge has been accepted. Now its time for the pranks. In high school people always used to prank one another's vehicals days before the race... With Carl and myself it really wasnt pranks.... It was usually..... Haneous Attacks.  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
::A younger Carl Bell gets inside his car and starts it up. He trys to drive away but Christopher hits him from behind going 60 miles an hour::  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=Flashback # 2-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
:: A younger Christopher Titus is burning the words "Carl is a Wussy" into Carl's driver's side door. Then Christopher signs his name into the door as well::.... ::Christophers head pops up on screen and starts to talk:: Christopher: Ok, I was drunk. But while I did that I guess I wanted attention.::  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=Flashback # 3-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
:: A younger Carl Bell walks up to Christopher in the parking lot and punches him square in the face::  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=End Of Flashbacks-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
Christopher: I learned all my pranks from my mom... the first one that is. Mommy1.  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
::A younger Ken Titus gets in his car::  
  
Ken: YAHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
::Ken jumps out of his car with a rattlesnake on his arm::  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=End Of Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
::Christopher, Dave and Tommy are working on a hot rod for the big race::  
  
Dave: Beatin' Carl for the timeslot...da da da! BEATIN' CARL FOR THE TIMESLOT! DA DA DA! EVERYBODY TOGETHER NOW!   
  
Christopher: ::Singing:: Kickin' Dave in the ass! SHUT UP NOW!!  
  
Dave: Geez Titus, Im just trying to lighten everyone's spirits. It gives you more confidence.  
  
Christopher: Dave, Im telling ya man. There is nothing on earth that can drain my confidence.  
  
::Ken Titus walks in::  
  
Ken: Hello.  
  
Christopher: ::With a look of shock on his face:: Holy mother of god.  
  
Ken: Hey, heard you got a big race coming up.  
  
Christopher: How did you hear about that?  
  
Ken: You see Christopher, I can see everything. I can see the past, present, and future.   
  
Christopher: Yeah I know... He's a complete TWANK!  
  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=Flashforward-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
::An older Christopher Titus sits down next to a really old Ken Titus at a retirement home::  
  
Ken: See, told you that your kids would screw you anyway.  
  
Christopher: gnnnnaaa.... Shut up ::Ken looks at him with a mean face::....Sir.  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=End Of Flashforward-=-=-=-=-=-=  
  
Christopher: What? you think im afraid of my father? Im a grown man! I can take care of myself! Just because I see him whenever I close my eyes does not mean there is a problem. It just means... you know.... GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE!!  
  
Ken: I hope you realize that Carl owns one of the most respected car dealers in the county.  
  
Tommy: Yeah and when we beat him, we'll see who gets invited to the finest parties... Asked to join the best car shows....  
  
Christopher: And win the best car shows thy normal joe will ever win.  
  
Dave: That's not cool to stereotype Titus.  
  
Christopher: ::With a look of confusion::...What?  
  
Dave: Not every person is named Joe.... ERRRR!!  
  
Ken: GEEZ you people are idiots!  
  
Christopher: Dad, why'd you come here anyway?  
  
Ken: I just wanted to give you a pointer ahead of time for the big race.  
  
Christopher: Really? What?  
  
Ken: I just wanted to tell you that......When you lose the race and your feeling a bit under the weather.... Dont come to my house and cry.... I'll be out of town.  
  
Christopher: Dad, Do you have any confidence in me at all?  
  
Ken: I'll tell you when I get back.  
  
::Ken walks out of the hot rod shop::  
  
Christopher: Damn. My own father doesnt have any confidence in me at all.  
  
Dave: Aww, dont feel bad Titus..... Hey.. I've got something that will cheer us all up.  
  
Christopher: What?  
  
Dave: Beatin' Carl for the timeslot...da da da! BEATIN' CARL FOR THE TIMESLOT... DA DA DA!!  
  
::Christopher rolls his eyes::  
==================================  
{{{{{{RACE DAY}}}}}}  
  
::Christopher, Dave, and Tommy are unloading the hot rod when Carl walks over::  
  
Carl: Well well well.... I didnt think you'd show.  
  
Christoher: We've been here for 3 hours ass.  
  
Carl: Well I didnt see you.  
  
Christopher: You looked right at me.  
  
Carl: We'll my brain was so fired up with the presence of "Wussy" I wasnt thinking clearly.  
  
Christopher: You see this Car? This car is going to wipe the floor with your losermobile!  
  
Carl: Losermobile, thats funny... HEY!  
  
========================================  
  
::Christopher and Carl have their cars on the start point with Tommy giving the race signals.::  
  
Christopher: He is SO going down.. He has a Ford Mustang and I have my kick ass custom hot rod... he is as good as... well he wasnt in good shape to begin with... ha ha ha. ::All of a sudden a voice interrupts Christopher... The voice is a promo voice adding drama to the spectacle.:: VOICE: Can Christopher defeat the county superpower Carl Bell? Will Christopher be able to defeat the demon that is Carl Bell? Christopher: What the hell is that?  
  
Tommy: RACERS, START YOUR ENGINES!  
  
::Christopher is ripping the celling apart tile by tile looking for the source of that voice:: Christopher: Where the hell is it coming from?! VOICE: Will Christopher defeat Carl? or Will Christopher lose the timeslot along with his pride.  
  
Tommy: READY!.... SET!.....  
  
::Christopher is in the corner in the fetal position covering up his ears:: Christopher: OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!!! PLEASE!! VOICE: IT IS NOW CRUNCH TIME.  
  
Tommy: GO!  
  
::Christopher and Carl take off in their cars... Its a close race... In the middle of the race its still a duel for the lead.... At the end of the race the winner is gonna win but barely... They both cross the finish line! IT'S A TIE!!!::  
  
Christopher: SHUT UP YOU ANNOYING TWANK! ::The voice stops and Christopher gets up:: Christopher: A Tie?! That means we'll probably have to do one of those "Double-Commercials". Hey, it can be like a debate! A debate where I shove Carl's head so far up his ass, he'll have to wear himself as a hat. ::Christopher smiles then turns off the light::  
  



End file.
